The Golf Police

Irreverent, irascible, Sara Woodward offers an alternative view from the red tees as she takes the fight to the GOLF POLICE

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It happened the same week strawberries were served at Wimbledon, with iced  Pimms. Fans queued quietly and wore straw hats and sun block.  Federer crashed out. Satorial elegance and Swiss cool gave way to the next contender, hungry to serve, ace and volley and  walk with the champions.

England footballers froze in the heat of the South African sun and White Van Fan flew the flag for his team.  It was the day the amber eyed New Yorker teed up his ball and Bon Jovi played at the O2.  A day to both remember and forget. For different reasons.

Summer had finally arrived in a blaze of glory.  Beaches were adorned with deckchairs, towels and sunshades.  Toddlers licked ice creams. Paddled, made sandcastles and slept on the soft sand.

Shops sold out of barbecues, beer and black currant juice.  And it was the same week that Ruggy came up with an idea.

“Why don’t we all go in for the medal?”

“Don’t forget England are playing that day” said Gus.

“There are only 2 million in Slovenia” said Big Rich. “Means they might have an outside chance of a draw”.

“Bit harsh” said Gus.

A football fan to his soul.  He loved the flow of the game. The skill of the first touch.  The movement off the ball. And the goals. It had not been a good World Cup.

“I think they are going to start playing now” he said.  More in hope than expectation.

“Who cares?” said Ruggy.

The tee time was booked. A tee time had also been booked by an American and his son along with a buggy and clubs.  And ahead of them, a regular four ball who would tee up at the allotted time and make their mark on the day.

The fairways wore the brown parched air of summer. Balls ran. Bounces were in the lap of the golfing gods and the greens were fast and true. continue reading…

The phone had been put on silent and placed in the pocket of the golf bag.  And there it remained.  Unaware of its starring role, involving the Queen and all her horses and men. And the Golf Police.  And on this occasion, there was no Plan B.

It was late evening when I took the call. The solar lights lit up the dark corners of the garden and the street lamps caught the rain drops.

“Do not be late” said Red Team Leader. There are three things which never wait. The military, the tides and tee times. We synchronized watches.

“And do not bring that golf umbrella”.

I had history with the golf umbrella.  Cities and golf umbrellas do not make good companions but last year the forecast was dire for the Colonel’s Parade and the golf umbrella caught the train. Along with the black bin liners.  We met our group under Admiralty Arch.  The brolly had not taken to the city streets or crowds.

“Careful. You nearly took my eye out” said the Golf Police as we weaved our way through the multitude heading towards the Arch.  The red buses turned on their lights and their wipers. The city pavements were grey with the rain. Soldiers in black bearskins, red tunics and  medals, sold programmes for the Parade.  continue reading…